New Year's Resolutions

By Norm De Plume

Start smoking: Yeah I know it’s not popular and I know it’s bad for your health (thanks to C. Everett Kook), but if I start now, I can probably get in a good 30 years or so before, you know, I d-i-e (didn’t want to say it). Bell bottoms and horned-rimmed glasses made a comeback, didn’t they?

Get a tattoo removed: I don’t have one, but I thought it might be fun to tell people that I’m going to rid myself of a “F-i-g-h-i-n-g I-r-i-s-h” ink stain (the tattoo artist in my fantasy was a bad speller) on my chest, which is now overgrown with bushy gray hairs.

Gain 20 pounds: Everybody’s trying to lose weight these days. You lose it, I’ll find it. Hello Biggest Loser!

Cuss more: $%*@, everybody’s doing it. F this, F that, F you, F me. F it all.

Lie more: I guess that means I lie just a little. Well, not a little. I’m not going to tell you how much, and even if I did, you shouldn’t believe me, anyway.