A major league baseball player announced his retirement last night because he hates baseball.
"I have so many regrets," said Josh Batson, the retired slugger. "I hate baseball," said Batson. "I never wanted to be a major league ballplayer, I wanted a 9 to 5 job, but my parents pushed me into it."
The 5-time all-star said he's always thought it was a boring game. "I'd be sitting out there in rightfield watching the pitcher shake off signs, then throw over to first base, then shake off more signs, then throw over to first base again, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a ball. Then it would start all over again. He'd shake off signs, then he'd throw to first base, then he'd shake off signs, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a foul ball. Then the batter would get out of the batters box, clean his spikes, then the pitcher would throw over to first base, then he would shake off signs -- I couldn't take it anymore."
Batson said he felt like he wasted the best years of his life playing baseball. "I wish I had retired sooner, I'll never get those years back," he said, crying like a baby at the press conference.
He then went on to complain about his teammates. "I played with some real bad players on some real crappy teams over the years." He felt that most of his teammates were stupid and that he was of superior intelligence. "I like to watch PBS and I listen to NPR, so I felt like I was much smarter than they were."
He also had harsh words for his manager. "He looked silly wearing a uniform. A grown man, with a pot belly and chicken legs, dressing up like a child in a uniform. Get a grip."
He wasn't sure what he would do next, but he felt like a free man. "Now I can pursue my dreams of working at a desk in a cubicle," he said, bawling.
Wednesday, March 25, 2009
Sunday, March 22, 2009
Maker Involved in Controversial Football Embroglio
In today’s fake news, a football player cursed out God after the game because he claims God made his team lose.
“(Bleep) &*^%!. God definitely had something to do with that game,” said Joe Squareout, the star receiver for the local football team. “That team sucks and there’s no reason they should have beaten us. God must have been involved in the outcome somehow.” He believes the All Powerful may have answered a prayer from the opposing team that led to the loss.
God could not be reached for comment.
The quarterback on the opposing team, Fred Faithful, a born again Christian, did in fact ask God to let his team win before the game. Whether or not his prayers figured into the final result remains to be seen.
League officials say they are investigating the matter. “We don’t know what happened, but we take all charges of tampering very seriously and will look into it,” said the league commissioner. If God was involved, it could have very serious ramifications. “We obviously can’t discipline God,” the fake commissioner said, “but we can pray to Him to ask Him not to answer game-related prayers.”
God expert Father Bill Goodfellow called the whole thing ridiculous. “God does not care who wins a football game. He’s a basketball fan.”
This is the first time that there have been charges of Supreme Being tampering in a sporting event since 842 BC when Hercules disguised himself as a horse and entered a Chariot race.
“(Bleep) &*^%!. God definitely had something to do with that game,” said Joe Squareout, the star receiver for the local football team. “That team sucks and there’s no reason they should have beaten us. God must have been involved in the outcome somehow.” He believes the All Powerful may have answered a prayer from the opposing team that led to the loss.
God could not be reached for comment.
The quarterback on the opposing team, Fred Faithful, a born again Christian, did in fact ask God to let his team win before the game. Whether or not his prayers figured into the final result remains to be seen.
League officials say they are investigating the matter. “We don’t know what happened, but we take all charges of tampering very seriously and will look into it,” said the league commissioner. If God was involved, it could have very serious ramifications. “We obviously can’t discipline God,” the fake commissioner said, “but we can pray to Him to ask Him not to answer game-related prayers.”
God expert Father Bill Goodfellow called the whole thing ridiculous. “God does not care who wins a football game. He’s a basketball fan.”
This is the first time that there have been charges of Supreme Being tampering in a sporting event since 842 BC when Hercules disguised himself as a horse and entered a Chariot race.
Area Man Doesn't Know What Constitutional Means
After 40 years of taking his "daily constitutional," an area man is shocked to discover what a "constitutional" actually is.
"I thought it meant taking a crap," said Phil Buttons, an area man who lives in the area. For 40 years, Buttons had proudly proclaimed to his family every morning, newspaper tucked under his arm, that he was going to take his "daily constitutional." He'd disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and emerge "refreshed."
His wife Anne never questioned it. "I didn't know what the hell constitutional meant," said Agnes. "Crap made sense to me."
A recent survey of Americans finds that only 20 percent know what a constitutional is. Further, 90 percent of that 20 percent wonder why it's called constitutional. Constitutional, as a noun, means "taking a walk," so a "daily constitutional" is a daily walk. Why is a walk called a constitutional? Maybe because it's good for your constitution, good for your health, to take a daily walk. But some, like Buttons, would argue that taking a crap is also good for your health.
Buttons discovered the hard truth about what it meant from his neighbor, Dick Johnson, who actually took daily constitutionals (walks) every morning. So did Buttons, only he called them walks.
While the two were chatting over the fence last week, Dick Johnson said, "We should take our constitutionals together. We can talk. It'll be fun."
Buttons admits to thinking this was a weird suggestion at the time. "Why would he want me to take a crap with him," Buttons wondered. At first he politely declined, but after constant goading, Buttons half heartedly agreed. "Ok," I said. "He seems really into me coming over and taking a crap with him. Hopefully we'll be in two separate stalls."
But the next morning when Buttons showed up at Dick's house with his newspaper under his arm and his special roll of toilet paper proclaiming he was ready for his constitutional, he learned the hard way what it was.
"We had a good laugh," said Buttons. "Then he kicked me out. We don't talk much anymore.
Ed. note: My attempt at writing a fake Onion style news story, bear with me.
"I thought it meant taking a crap," said Phil Buttons, an area man who lives in the area. For 40 years, Buttons had proudly proclaimed to his family every morning, newspaper tucked under his arm, that he was going to take his "daily constitutional." He'd disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and emerge "refreshed."
His wife Anne never questioned it. "I didn't know what the hell constitutional meant," said Agnes. "Crap made sense to me."
A recent survey of Americans finds that only 20 percent know what a constitutional is. Further, 90 percent of that 20 percent wonder why it's called constitutional. Constitutional, as a noun, means "taking a walk," so a "daily constitutional" is a daily walk. Why is a walk called a constitutional? Maybe because it's good for your constitution, good for your health, to take a daily walk. But some, like Buttons, would argue that taking a crap is also good for your health.
Buttons discovered the hard truth about what it meant from his neighbor, Dick Johnson, who actually took daily constitutionals (walks) every morning. So did Buttons, only he called them walks.
While the two were chatting over the fence last week, Dick Johnson said, "We should take our constitutionals together. We can talk. It'll be fun."
Buttons admits to thinking this was a weird suggestion at the time. "Why would he want me to take a crap with him," Buttons wondered. At first he politely declined, but after constant goading, Buttons half heartedly agreed. "Ok," I said. "He seems really into me coming over and taking a crap with him. Hopefully we'll be in two separate stalls."
But the next morning when Buttons showed up at Dick's house with his newspaper under his arm and his special roll of toilet paper proclaiming he was ready for his constitutional, he learned the hard way what it was.
"We had a good laugh," said Buttons. "Then he kicked me out. We don't talk much anymore.
Ed. note: My attempt at writing a fake Onion style news story, bear with me.
Thursday, March 19, 2009
March Madness
Let the Madness begin.
I picked Wake Forest, Uconn, Pitt, and UNC in the Final Four. I have UNC and Uconn in the finals. I don't love the way UConn is playing now, but I don't love the way anyone else is playing either. If they can avoid meeting Pittsburgh, who they have trouble matching up against, I like their chances. There's no one other than Pitt that they can't beat, including North Carolina.
The loss of Dyson will hurt the Huskies in those tough, close games. Dyson was the goto guy down the stretch and without him, I'm not so sure they know who will step up. I don't think they'll have to worry about it until the final four because I see them breezing to the Final Four. But then, they'll need a Kemba Walker, an Austrie, a Robinson, to step up. Price will step up, but he can't be the only one because as the point guard, he will draw attention. But he can dish to the open man, the thing is, that person needs to know down the big shot.
The Huskies tip off today at 3 pm. This is one of the great sports days of the year -- the Thursday and Friday of the first week of the NCAA tournament. Wall to wall games, always some wild finishes, made even more intense by the do or die nature of the tournament. Sure, you have the blow outs, but for the most part you get a lot of close games and always one or two major upsets. Plus you get to see teams that you haven't ever seen before.
People say the quality of the teams are down because the best players go to the NBA. That may be true, but I think it has created much more parity than ever before, and that makes for a much more interesting tournament.
Ten or 20 years ago, 14, 15, and 16 seeds were routinely blown out by 40 points. Not anymore. There have been 2-15 upsets and close 1-16 games in recent years. Sometime soon, a number one seed will lose in the first round. Let's hope it's not my team, UCONN, the number one seed in the West.
Go Huskies.
I picked Wake Forest, Uconn, Pitt, and UNC in the Final Four. I have UNC and Uconn in the finals. I don't love the way UConn is playing now, but I don't love the way anyone else is playing either. If they can avoid meeting Pittsburgh, who they have trouble matching up against, I like their chances. There's no one other than Pitt that they can't beat, including North Carolina.
The loss of Dyson will hurt the Huskies in those tough, close games. Dyson was the goto guy down the stretch and without him, I'm not so sure they know who will step up. I don't think they'll have to worry about it until the final four because I see them breezing to the Final Four. But then, they'll need a Kemba Walker, an Austrie, a Robinson, to step up. Price will step up, but he can't be the only one because as the point guard, he will draw attention. But he can dish to the open man, the thing is, that person needs to know down the big shot.
The Huskies tip off today at 3 pm. This is one of the great sports days of the year -- the Thursday and Friday of the first week of the NCAA tournament. Wall to wall games, always some wild finishes, made even more intense by the do or die nature of the tournament. Sure, you have the blow outs, but for the most part you get a lot of close games and always one or two major upsets. Plus you get to see teams that you haven't ever seen before.
People say the quality of the teams are down because the best players go to the NBA. That may be true, but I think it has created much more parity than ever before, and that makes for a much more interesting tournament.
Ten or 20 years ago, 14, 15, and 16 seeds were routinely blown out by 40 points. Not anymore. There have been 2-15 upsets and close 1-16 games in recent years. Sometime soon, a number one seed will lose in the first round. Let's hope it's not my team, UCONN, the number one seed in the West.
Go Huskies.
Sunday, March 15, 2009
The Art of Wasting Time
I think everyone has got the whole wasting time thing down pretty well. We all do it, we all waste time when we are supposed to be working, but we don't admit it. I've been wasting time for hours this morning, for no real reason. Ok, it's Friday, that's a reason, but I have stuff I have a lot of stuff I have to finish, like now, so I need to get moving.
But we all waste time -- that's pretty much the point of work, see if you can get through the day wasting more time than working. Some days, it's not even close. Other days, I work like a banshee -- but this is not one of those days. It all evens out is the way I see it. I have days where I work 8 hours, I sometimes work weekends, I work at night or early in the morning sometimes -- these are the benefits of working from home. So on the days when I mail it in, I feel it's all evens out in the end. Bosses waste tremendous amounts of time too, don't let them kid you.
How do you waste time? The internet is the Holy Grail of time wasting. That's pretty much why it was created. If Al Gore only knew when he invented the Internet that it would completely revolutionize the way people waste time. It has come to be a pretty acceptable vehicle for time wasting, as long as its in small doses. And you have to disguise it. When I used to work in an office, I couldn't really waste time on ESPN.com, because that was too obvious. Why would you be on a sports site at work? But I would go to the Yahoo or Excite news page -- I could say I was looking up stocks or something when actually I was reading about sports. You see, if you're going to waste time, you have to work at it. It's an art and a science. It's not easy -- you have to make it look like you are working. We all have our "go to" time wasting tricks -- what are yours?
Remember before the Internet? Remember how hard to was to waste time? You did it, we all did it, but it took a lot more creativity. I used to read newspapers in my cubicle. Of course, you couldn't blatantly read a newspaper because that would be wasting time, so you folded it up into a little square and shoved it under your big desk calendar, with only the part you are reading sticking out from underneath the calendar. When someone walked by, you could easily cover it up. I would also drink a lot of coffee, not because I wanted to drink that much coffee, but because I wanted to go walk into the break room and take a break. I was pretty damn jittery by days end.
Now, it's all changed for me. I have the pleasure of working at home at this point in my career, and I am truly thankful for that. I believe I have earned it. It brings wasting time to a whole new level. You don't waste time to waste time, you use your time wisely to go to games, pick up kids, paint the living room, run errands, etc. Ok, you still waste time looking up things like, Geez, I wonder what that Kelly Leak kid has been doing since bad News Bears? Actually, he was in a movie a few years ago-- Little Children.
But really, the schedule working at home is more your own, because you can put time in before 9 or after 5 much easier. I have earned this after working in offices for many years. And I do actually get my work done -- I work hard, in fact.
Ok, it's 11 am, time to get to work.
But we all waste time -- that's pretty much the point of work, see if you can get through the day wasting more time than working. Some days, it's not even close. Other days, I work like a banshee -- but this is not one of those days. It all evens out is the way I see it. I have days where I work 8 hours, I sometimes work weekends, I work at night or early in the morning sometimes -- these are the benefits of working from home. So on the days when I mail it in, I feel it's all evens out in the end. Bosses waste tremendous amounts of time too, don't let them kid you.
How do you waste time? The internet is the Holy Grail of time wasting. That's pretty much why it was created. If Al Gore only knew when he invented the Internet that it would completely revolutionize the way people waste time. It has come to be a pretty acceptable vehicle for time wasting, as long as its in small doses. And you have to disguise it. When I used to work in an office, I couldn't really waste time on ESPN.com, because that was too obvious. Why would you be on a sports site at work? But I would go to the Yahoo or Excite news page -- I could say I was looking up stocks or something when actually I was reading about sports. You see, if you're going to waste time, you have to work at it. It's an art and a science. It's not easy -- you have to make it look like you are working. We all have our "go to" time wasting tricks -- what are yours?
Remember before the Internet? Remember how hard to was to waste time? You did it, we all did it, but it took a lot more creativity. I used to read newspapers in my cubicle. Of course, you couldn't blatantly read a newspaper because that would be wasting time, so you folded it up into a little square and shoved it under your big desk calendar, with only the part you are reading sticking out from underneath the calendar. When someone walked by, you could easily cover it up. I would also drink a lot of coffee, not because I wanted to drink that much coffee, but because I wanted to go walk into the break room and take a break. I was pretty damn jittery by days end.
Now, it's all changed for me. I have the pleasure of working at home at this point in my career, and I am truly thankful for that. I believe I have earned it. It brings wasting time to a whole new level. You don't waste time to waste time, you use your time wisely to go to games, pick up kids, paint the living room, run errands, etc. Ok, you still waste time looking up things like, Geez, I wonder what that Kelly Leak kid has been doing since bad News Bears? Actually, he was in a movie a few years ago-- Little Children.
But really, the schedule working at home is more your own, because you can put time in before 9 or after 5 much easier. I have earned this after working in offices for many years. And I do actually get my work done -- I work hard, in fact.
Ok, it's 11 am, time to get to work.
Tuesday, March 10, 2009
I'll Never Get Over Macho Grande
I was doing this routine with my youngin' in the car the other day. He never saw Airplane 2 of course but he caught right on. (Buddy caught right on?) He said, "And he wasn't there," and I interrupted "Wait, Andy wasn't there?" Then he said, with my prompting, "No, Andy was there, but he had to leave early." Then I'd say, "Buddy had to leave early?" We laughed.
Here it is, one of my favorite movie scenes, the Courtroom Scene from Airplane 2.
Pilot: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of you crew?
Pilot: Right, Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: Andy went to pieces?
Pilot: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Pilot: Oh no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Pilot: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Pilot: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Pilot: No. I don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande.
Here it is, one of my favorite movie scenes, the Courtroom Scene from Airplane 2.
Pilot: Striker was the squadron leader. He brought us in real low. But he couldn't handle it.
Prosecutor: Buddy couldn't handle it? Was Buddy one of you crew?
Pilot: Right, Buddy was the bombardier. But it was Striker who couldn't handle it, and he went to pieces.
Prosecutor: Andy went to pieces?
Pilot: No. Andy was the navigator. He was all right. Buddy went to pieces. It was awful how he came unglued.
Prosecutor: Howie came unglued?
Pilot: Oh no. Howie was a rock, the best tailgunner in the outfit. Buddy came unglued.
Prosecutor: And he bailed out?
Pilot: No. Andy hung tough. Buddy bailed out. How he survived, it was a miracle.
Prosecutor: Then Howie survived?
Pilot: No, 'fraid not. We lost Howie the next day.
Prosecutor: Over Macho Grande?
Pilot: No. I don't think I'll ever be over Macho Grande.
Wednesday, March 4, 2009
Infomercials
The ESPN ads are hilarious. The latest, for ESPN 360, whatever that is, features the Infomercial legend Billy Mays, the guy who looks like Al Borland from Home Improvement and does the infomericals for products like OxiCleen and others. He's always yelling, like any informercial star worth his salt. If you are on an infomercial, you must yell, that's all there is to it.
In this ESPN commercial, Billy Mays is the host introducing this product, ESPN 360, whatever that is, like he would in an infomercial, yelling. I still don't know what ESPN 360 is, but the commercial was damn funny.
The other new ESPN is the one with Lebron going to his cubicle, but he notices that his chair his gone -- well, he's King James so it's actually a throne. He looks around for it and in the next cubicle, Scott Van Pelt is sitting in Lebron's throne, but when Lebron asks for it, Van Pelt acts like he doesn't know what Lebron is talking about. Very funny.
Infomercials are great. I've bought more products than I care to reveal after watching an infomercial. The latest one I always watch is for some kind of "internet business" where you don't do sales, you don't work, you don't buy inventory, you don't do anything -- apparently you just sit there in your house and the checks for thousands of dollars come rolling in for no reason.
I saw one the other night for how to make money in the "cash flow business." They never explained what the cash flow business is, but they told you how you can make hundreds of thousands of dollars on your lunch break. You better believe I googled "cash flow business." They kept repeating that phrase throughout the commercials so it would eventually sink into the heads of dummies like me. After about the 20th mention I said to myself, you know, I should look up this whole "cash flow business" thing to see what it's all about.
I'm also a sucker for the Kevin Trudeau infomercials. He's the guy who sells all those books about secrets "they" don't want you to know about. I know who "they" are, and I don't like "they." They are bad.
Then there is the Time Life music. I have a hard time changing the channel once I come across Russell Hitchcock and Graham Whatever from Air Supply. Then the siren songs of Bread or Maria Muldaur or Leo Sayer or Paper Lace (The Night Chicago Died) play and I am sucked in. It's not so much the music as it is what they look like -- the hair, the clothes, it's like these people from the 70s are beings from another planet.
Then there is the great Billy Mays, star of the ESPN 360 commercial, whatever that is.
Tuesday, March 3, 2009
Radio Binghamton
I have this cool 1937 Zenith radio, like the kind the Waltons used to listen to. It stands about 4 feet high, is made of hard wood, and has an AM band, a police band, and a short wave band. I could never get the police band to work, but the AM and Short Wave work great. I love this thing. I listen to stations from around the world at night as the soft light of the big circular dial glows. I get stations from Romania, Russia, China, Voice of America, BBC, Australia, Africa, South America, you name it.
About a year ago, the tuner blew out on me, meaning the little wire inside the moves the dial broke. So I was stuck listening to one channel, WRKO 680, the last channel I had tuned in to. Last June, I decided to take it to my friendly East Coast antique radio repair man in Binghamton, NY, to get it fixed. This guy is about the only one on the East Coast who fixes antique radios, so he has about a year waiting list. He told me not to expect anything until summer 2009. Whoa!
Well, I got a call last week that my radio was ready. He was a little ahead of schedule and managed to squeeze my order in, so I hit the road for Binghamton last Friday to pick it up. Binghamton is no where near the other Hamptons, it's in upstate NY, near Elmira, about a five hour drive for me. So, I loaded up the buggy with gas, some CDs and tapes, and I was gone.
The key to such a long trip is to strategically mix radio consumption with CDs and tapes. You want to listen to the radio because you are traveling to new places where you get new radio stations, but you also must keep in mind that in some parts of the trip there will be a lull where you only get country stations, right wing nutjobs, or religious freaks. That's where you pop in the CDs.
I started out listening to the radio because I knew I would get Mike Francesa on WFAN right off the bat. I start picking up Mike fairly quickly and I'm immediately hooked on two things. One, he's talking about the Mets, who I don't like, but there is mini controversy brewing. Mike, who, sans Dog, now calls his show Mike'd Up, was at Mets training camp and he was doing interviews with Mets players. The big story of the day was if David Wright and Ryan Church, two Mets that Mike had blasted last year for being a choke and a hothead, respectively, would come on the air with him. They were pissed off at him for his past remarks and had been boycotting him. Mike said he'd give them one more chance to bury the hatchet, but they declined. Mike went off on both of them, calling Church, essentially a nobody that he couldn't care less if he never graced his airwaves again. Wright, on the other hand, is a star player, so Mike said he would like to have him on for the fans. But if Wright was going to be thin skinned and couldn't handle a little criticism after two of the worst choke jobs in baseball history the last two years, well, then, so be it. He called Wright immature and thin skinned and said he was done with him. He didn't care if he ever came on again.
Reaction from the callers was mixed, some were supporting him, others were blasting him. To this listener, it was vintage Mike. Great, compelling radio.
Next up was Jim Calhoun, coach of Uconn, who Mike has had run ins with in the past. This was Calhoun's first interview since he lambasted a reporter and told him to shut up at a post game press conference. Mike was on Jimmy's side on this one, as am I. I love how Coach Calhoun handled that guy. I don't have a problem with the guy asking the question about Calhoun's salary, but I also don't mind Calhoun ripping him a new one. We need more press conferences like that -- that's entertainment. You can take the boy out of Southie, but you can't take Southie out of the boy.
I started losing Mike shortly after the Calhoun interview and this is where I switched to Carlin. I had two George Carlin CDs that I played, one on the way out, one on the way back. George was the best comedian of all-time in my mind. What a genius and he got better with age. I think stand up comedy is the highest, truest art form, higher than acting, singing, dancing, anything. It's a man on stage with a mic trying to make you laugh with no props, nothing but his wits. But beyond that, the best comedians are the most honest chroniclers and commentators of the times they live in. You won't hear the truth on the news or in the papers or in movies or TV, but you will from a great comedian standing on stage. Everything else is filtered and scripted and regulated, but there is no filter on a comedian on a stage in a club. Why so many go from comedy to other watered down media is beyond me, like it's a step up. Eddie Murphy is a great example. His first few albums were legendary, but then he gave it up and went on to make crappy movies. Carlin never did though, he knew what he was doing was the pinnacle. And he did it better than anyone else.
From Carlin I popped in the next best comedian of all-time, Chris Rock. He's another one that's dedicated to his craft and just nails it. Even though he has dabbled in movies, he always comes back to stand up. His first CD, Born Suspect, is friggin' hilarious.
I've prattled on long enough. Rock took me in to Binghamton where I picked up my radio and turned around and headed home.
About a year ago, the tuner blew out on me, meaning the little wire inside the moves the dial broke. So I was stuck listening to one channel, WRKO 680, the last channel I had tuned in to. Last June, I decided to take it to my friendly East Coast antique radio repair man in Binghamton, NY, to get it fixed. This guy is about the only one on the East Coast who fixes antique radios, so he has about a year waiting list. He told me not to expect anything until summer 2009. Whoa!
Well, I got a call last week that my radio was ready. He was a little ahead of schedule and managed to squeeze my order in, so I hit the road for Binghamton last Friday to pick it up. Binghamton is no where near the other Hamptons, it's in upstate NY, near Elmira, about a five hour drive for me. So, I loaded up the buggy with gas, some CDs and tapes, and I was gone.
The key to such a long trip is to strategically mix radio consumption with CDs and tapes. You want to listen to the radio because you are traveling to new places where you get new radio stations, but you also must keep in mind that in some parts of the trip there will be a lull where you only get country stations, right wing nutjobs, or religious freaks. That's where you pop in the CDs.
I started out listening to the radio because I knew I would get Mike Francesa on WFAN right off the bat. I start picking up Mike fairly quickly and I'm immediately hooked on two things. One, he's talking about the Mets, who I don't like, but there is mini controversy brewing. Mike, who, sans Dog, now calls his show Mike'd Up, was at Mets training camp and he was doing interviews with Mets players. The big story of the day was if David Wright and Ryan Church, two Mets that Mike had blasted last year for being a choke and a hothead, respectively, would come on the air with him. They were pissed off at him for his past remarks and had been boycotting him. Mike said he'd give them one more chance to bury the hatchet, but they declined. Mike went off on both of them, calling Church, essentially a nobody that he couldn't care less if he never graced his airwaves again. Wright, on the other hand, is a star player, so Mike said he would like to have him on for the fans. But if Wright was going to be thin skinned and couldn't handle a little criticism after two of the worst choke jobs in baseball history the last two years, well, then, so be it. He called Wright immature and thin skinned and said he was done with him. He didn't care if he ever came on again.
Reaction from the callers was mixed, some were supporting him, others were blasting him. To this listener, it was vintage Mike. Great, compelling radio.
Next up was Jim Calhoun, coach of Uconn, who Mike has had run ins with in the past. This was Calhoun's first interview since he lambasted a reporter and told him to shut up at a post game press conference. Mike was on Jimmy's side on this one, as am I. I love how Coach Calhoun handled that guy. I don't have a problem with the guy asking the question about Calhoun's salary, but I also don't mind Calhoun ripping him a new one. We need more press conferences like that -- that's entertainment. You can take the boy out of Southie, but you can't take Southie out of the boy.
I started losing Mike shortly after the Calhoun interview and this is where I switched to Carlin. I had two George Carlin CDs that I played, one on the way out, one on the way back. George was the best comedian of all-time in my mind. What a genius and he got better with age. I think stand up comedy is the highest, truest art form, higher than acting, singing, dancing, anything. It's a man on stage with a mic trying to make you laugh with no props, nothing but his wits. But beyond that, the best comedians are the most honest chroniclers and commentators of the times they live in. You won't hear the truth on the news or in the papers or in movies or TV, but you will from a great comedian standing on stage. Everything else is filtered and scripted and regulated, but there is no filter on a comedian on a stage in a club. Why so many go from comedy to other watered down media is beyond me, like it's a step up. Eddie Murphy is a great example. His first few albums were legendary, but then he gave it up and went on to make crappy movies. Carlin never did though, he knew what he was doing was the pinnacle. And he did it better than anyone else.
From Carlin I popped in the next best comedian of all-time, Chris Rock. He's another one that's dedicated to his craft and just nails it. Even though he has dabbled in movies, he always comes back to stand up. His first CD, Born Suspect, is friggin' hilarious.
I've prattled on long enough. Rock took me in to Binghamton where I picked up my radio and turned around and headed home.
Monday, March 2, 2009
Saturday nights at 6 o'clock
I had heroes when I was a kid. On Saturday nights at six o'clock Sis and I ate our supper in the tiny living room. The arms of the overstuffed chairs were wide enough to balance our plates. It was the only time that Nanoo would let us eat a meal anywhere other than the kitchen table. We watched the Lone Ranger in front of the floor model tv that Gramp bought. He worked a second job to buy it, and the new dark green Pontiac that soon smelled of his Camel cigarettes.
On the screen he rode across the plains with a cloud of dust at the speed of light, up that hill where his horse Silver rose up on his two hind legs, and the Lone Ranger shouted "Hi Yo Silver, away." Tonto, his sidekick and faithful friend was always close by, on his palomino , Scout. You knew they would bring law and order to any town they rode into, where outlaws were trying to steal cattle from a young rancher, his wife and 3 kids, or plan a bank robbery and blame it on the bearded old man shoeing horses. And at the end of the show when the bad guys were put in jail, the husband would say to his wife , "who was that masked man," and their kids who knew all along, would answer, "he's the Lone Ranger."
Sis and I knew that when we went to bed this hero of ours, wearing a white hat, a black mask and riding a white horse was going to take care of us, that we would have no bad guys coming to get us, that we could go to sleep and have no nightmares, only the stomach ache we got every Sunday morning when we had to go to church, and that was followed by the Monday stomach ache when we had to go to school and face the nuns for another week. All we had to do was wait til next Saturday at 6 o'clock to eat our beans and hot dogs in the living room with the Lone Ranger.
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