Area Man Doesn't Know What Constitutional Means

After 40 years of taking his "daily constitutional," an area man is shocked to discover what a "constitutional" actually is.
"I thought it meant taking a crap," said Phil Buttons, an area man who lives in the area. For 40 years, Buttons had proudly proclaimed to his family every morning, newspaper tucked under his arm, that he was going to take his "daily constitutional." He'd disappear into the bathroom for 20 minutes and emerge "refreshed."
His wife Anne never questioned it. "I didn't know what the hell constitutional meant," said Agnes. "Crap made sense to me."
A recent survey of Americans finds that only 20 percent know what a constitutional is. Further, 90 percent of that 20 percent wonder why it's called constitutional. Constitutional, as a noun, means "taking a walk," so a "daily constitutional" is a daily walk. Why is a walk called a constitutional? Maybe because it's good for your constitution, good for your health, to take a daily walk. But some, like Buttons, would argue that taking a crap is also good for your health.
Buttons discovered the hard truth about what it meant from his neighbor, Dick Johnson, who actually took daily constitutionals (walks) every morning. So did Buttons, only he called them walks.
While the two were chatting over the fence last week, Dick Johnson said, "We should take our constitutionals together. We can talk. It'll be fun."
Buttons admits to thinking this was a weird suggestion at the time. "Why would he want me to take a crap with him," Buttons wondered. At first he politely declined, but after constant goading, Buttons half heartedly agreed. "Ok," I said. "He seems really into me coming over and taking a crap with him. Hopefully we'll be in two separate stalls."
But the next morning when Buttons showed up at Dick's house with his newspaper under his arm and his special roll of toilet paper proclaiming he was ready for his constitutional, he learned the hard way what it was.
"We had a good laugh," said Buttons. "Then he kicked me out. We don't talk much anymore.

Ed. note: My attempt at writing a fake Onion style news story, bear with me.