Major Leaguer Retires With Regrets

A major league baseball player announced his retirement last night because he hates baseball.
"I have so many regrets," said Josh Batson, the retired slugger. "I hate baseball," said Batson. "I never wanted to be a major league ballplayer, I wanted a 9 to 5 job, but my parents pushed me into it."
The 5-time all-star said he's always thought it was a boring game. "I'd be sitting out there in rightfield watching the pitcher shake off signs, then throw over to first base, then shake off more signs, then throw over to first base again, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a ball. Then it would start all over again. He'd shake off signs, then he'd throw to first base, then he'd shake off signs, then he'd finally pitch, and it would be a foul ball. Then the batter would get out of the batters box, clean his spikes, then the pitcher would throw over to first base, then he would shake off signs -- I couldn't take it anymore."
Batson said he felt like he wasted the best years of his life playing baseball. "I wish I had retired sooner, I'll never get those years back," he said, crying like a baby at the press conference.
He then went on to complain about his teammates. "I played with some real bad players on some real crappy teams over the years." He felt that most of his teammates were stupid and that he was of superior intelligence. "I like to watch PBS and I listen to NPR, so I felt like I was much smarter than they were."
He also had harsh words for his manager. "He looked silly wearing a uniform. A grown man, with a pot belly and chicken legs, dressing up like a child in a uniform. Get a grip."
He wasn't sure what he would do next, but he felt like a free man. "Now I can pursue my dreams of working at a desk in a cubicle," he said, bawling.